I’ve become an old man.
Or at least, I’ve started thinking and acting like one. Maybe that’s natural;
when you start working I guess you instinctively feel like you ought to be more
responsible. What I’ve found is that I am vastly more uptight and conscious
about how others will feel than most people my age. It has resulted in me being
stuck in a weird place between my parents and my younger sister.
I think my parents
treat me like an adult but don’t yet treat my sister the same way. I don’t know whether
this is to do with age, gender, life-stage or what. But as a result, I’ve got
one foot in each camp: trying to be a both a stoic, responsible adult and a
carefree, fun young person is tough. I
don’t know if all older siblings feel this way.
What happens is that in
trying to be “everyone’s friend” I am neither a kid nor a grown up. I don’t
intentionally test boundaries or challenge authority or have fun for no reason
like I did when I was at high school or university. Like my sister does now. At
the same time, I cannot hang out with my parents all the time as my views and
interests are very different.
When we come together
as a family I find myself trying to be this bridge between them and her. This
is a weird position to be in because I instinctively defend her if they decide
to pull her leg or discipline her. Perhaps it’s not my place to interfere at
all. But then when she’s out of line and there’s full-fledged conflict, I find
myself “taking my parents' side" and trying to explain their logic to her. This
makes things worse. As someone who has been there before, I try to get her to
see their point of view but often I guess she wants a friend rather than an
older brother/guest-lecturer.
My personality type is that
of the peace-maker and so my tendency is to try and mediate. I guess I could
use my “unique position” to try and get both sides to recognise the
similarities they share with me and then through me, see the other side’s point
of view.
I find myself lecturing
my sister like I’m our dad and I don’t know what to make of it.
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